Freedom From Secrets

Suzanne Auten’s story will encourage and enlighten you. This is a re-post of a blog done by her church in Washington.

Women’s Retreat Recap: Freedom From Secrets

Posted: 21 Apr 2012 11:00 AM PDT

I recently had the wonderful opportunity to chat with one of our own NSB sisters, Suzanne Auten, about her experience at this year’s Women’s Retreat.  She has graciously agreed to share her story with all of us!  My questions are in bold.  I know you’ll be as encouraged as I was by hearing her story and all of the amazing things God has been doing in her life.

Tell us about how you came to be at Women’s Retreat this year.
In the last year I recommitted my life to the Lord.  While I’m not normally prone to New Year’s resolutions, this year it was clear that the Lord was asking me to make one.  I committed to trying new things and branching out in ways that, in the past, I have been nervous about.  This included attending Women’s Retreat.  I was interested in attending Women’s Retreat but it seemed that I didn’t know anyone that was going.  I hesitated signing up in part because I wasn’t sure I wanted to go if I didn’t know anyone else that was going.  The topic “Time For A Fresh Start” sounded really intriguing—with all the things that had been going on in my life over the last year or so, I knew that I was living a fresh start!  The final Sunday that registration was offered I was attending the 5:00 evening service.  As I thought about the retreat, I recalled an experience I had during the Sunday evening service a month prior.  The worship team had led us in the song “Jesus, All For Jesus” while offering was being taken.  The third verse started: “For it’s only in your will that I am free.”  It hit me in a new way.  It’s only when I’m really living in Your (God’s) will that I am actually (really) free.  I’ve always been on a search to be free.  And I stopped in my tracks (I was collecting the offering) as that verse washed over me a fresh reminder of my freedom in Jesus.  I was so overcome by the truth in that verse that others had to keep the offering plate going for me!  The final hook for me to sign up was the zip line.  I used to be an adrenaline junkie—I’ve even been skydiving—and I have always wanted to try a zip line.  So I signed up for both Retreat and the zip line!

Was there something Connie Cavanaugh said that made a strong impact on you?
Saturday morning Connie spent time talking about our secrets; that we all have secrets that we don’t share with others, that we don’t want anyone to know about.  At one point, she read a list: secret after secret that women keep.  As she read down the list, it was obvious by the stillness in the room that women in the room were relating to each secret.  “I have a problem with anger.  I have been unfaithful in my marriage.  I’m an alcoholic.  I had an abortion.”  The list went on for quite some time.  Finally, she reached the end of the list.  But it seemed she left one out—my secret.  Six years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  I was misdiagnosed for 30 years.  Thankfully, since an accurate diagnosis and now correct medication, I am in recovery, but it has been a very difficult struggle.  It is also a struggle that the church seems to not know much about or know how to address.  As I’ve opened up and shared my personal struggle, I have realized that I’m not alone.  Others within the church also struggle with mental illness themselves or have family members that do.  Mental illness and having a mental illness has been stigmatized, forcing people to hide and keep secrets.  How painful and prohibitive to healing!

I was able to talk with Connie after the session and share my secret with her.  It was through this conversation, and then later through the other sessions, that I learned she, as well as family members, also struggle with life-long mental illness.  Their struggles are with depression, anxiety, and panic disorder—a different type than mine, but mental illness all the same.  This was a secret that she herself was familiar with!

What was the most meaningful lesson or experience for you at retreat?
That it’s okay—it’s okay to be me.  Bipolar and all.  I’m finally free to be me.  It’s not a punishment, and it’s not a joke.  I spent years feeling like I was being punished or that God had played some cruel joke on me, that He really wasn’t there when I was created in my mother’s womb.  That I wasn’t actually “fearfully and wonderfully made” like Scripture promises.  But those were just lies.  I can be myself and not feel ashamed or hide it anymore (Jesus likes me, not just loves me).  Who I am and what I struggle with are not the same thing.  I have a brain illness that’s not my fault.  My identity is not my illness.  I have bipolar disorder.  I am a Christian.  My identity is that I’m a daughter of the King.  It is no longer my secret.  I have received a new kind of freedom and peace.  I have come to see that we’re all alike in that we’re all different.  No two people are the same—from physical characteristics and then on.  We all have secrets.  We all have something to give regardless of circumstances and past experiences.  I have what I need now to make a move and act (“be the tree,” as Pastor Jonathan Alexander would say.)  I don’t have to be you and you don’t have to be me.  Because of my experiences, I can touch someone you can’t touch.  Because of your experiences, you can reach someone I can’t reach.  And together we work for Jesus.  I love the quote from the Christian movie October Baby: “To be human is to be beautifully flawed.”  That’s me.  Human.  Flawed.  And learning, beautiful.  God gave me this passage from Zephaniah 3:14-17: “Sing, O Daughter of Zion; shout aloud, O Israel!  Be glad and rejoice with all your heart, O Daughter of Jerusalem! . . . The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save.  He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.”

Tell us about your zip line experience!
The zip line was the chocolate frosting on the cake!  (FYI, chocolate is one of the four major food groups!)  As I mentioned, I used to be an adrenaline junkie and I just could not wait to get on that zip line and GO!  As soon as I was all geared up and hooked up I asked, “How can I go really fast?!”  I think my enthusiasm confused the staff.  “You want to go fast?” they asked.  I stepped off that ledge and whooped and hollered the whole way down!  And I had so much momentum towards the end that I nearly knocked the next staff person over that was waiting to help me out!  It was such a blast!!!  Such a wonderful illustration of my renewed sense of freedom in Jesus.  I even had someone tell me, “Next year I’ll pay $8 just to watch you go!”  That experience was so exhilarating I had to find out if there were more zip lines in the area.  I’m ready to do a Tour de Zip Lines!  (As it turns out, Cascades Camp has the only zip line in the state!)

For some great resources and further reading, please check out the links below:

1) What is Mental Illness: Mental Illness Facts

2) Types of mental illnesses

3) A great meditation on Zephaniah 3:17

If You Love Amish Fiction read Murray Pura’s The Wings of Morning

So here I am in Millbank Ontario, in the heart of “horse and buggy” Mennonite and Canadian Amish country, eating a home cooked dinner of liver and onions at Anna Mae’s diner and what do I see on the top shelf of a Living Books spinner? Murray Pura’s newest release, The Wings of Morning!

“I know Murray!” I bragged to my friends, Dianne and John Haupert, the couple who are graciously hosting me this week in their home in Hawkesville. “He is a terrific writer,” I say. “And this book is his first foray into the Amish genre. It’s a great read too!”

I whip out the i-phone, snap a photo of Murray’s book alongside Beverly Lewis’s books — Beverly is the reigning queen of Amish fiction — and email it to Murray. He replies immediately asking my whereabouts and why-abouts. I tell my friends that I recently read this book and wrote a glowing review of it for the publisher’s website.

Murray was good enough to consent to a blog interview about this book as well as give a sneak preview of his future projects. You can read his comments here:

1. This is your first novel about the Amish and quite a stretch from your previous work? What is it that attracted you to this genre?

Amish fiction and works about the Amish that are not fiction are very popular right now, both in Christian & nonChristian circles. My editor challenged me to write a story that was engaging along Amish lines. At first, I wasn’t interested. But after some research I realzied the Amish were more than butterchurns, barns, buggies & the color black. They are quite a counter-cultural force in Canadian & American society in their quiet way. Not only because of their stance on technology. They have a very nonviolent approach to life.

2. You set the novel during a window of time where the Lapp Amish had not yet settled on their official position regarding “flying machines” even though they had already spurned the ownership of automobiles and telephones. What is their current position on flying and when was that decision reached?

The Amish may use a plane for short flights but not own or pilot one. There are variations on this rule from one Amish community to the other. Their decision against electricity was made in 1919 when it was possible to get hooked up to the grid for the first time in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania. By this time the plane had become more common and was considered out of bounds about the same time, 1919/1920.

3. The book’s hero, Jude Whetstone, is a man of courage, honour and principal. Did you base his persona on anyone you know?

I think in Jude’s case I had him do what I hoped I would do if I were Amish and found myself in a situation like his.

4. The heroine, Lyyndaya Kurtz — by the way, how do you pronounce that? — is a complex mixture of submissive Amish girl and daredevil high flyer. How believable is this kind of woman? Is there someone you know who inspired this character?

Lyyndaya = Lin – day – ah. You have to bear in mind that her family converted to The Amish Way. They’ve only been Amish for a decade. Half her life she may well have been Christian but she was certainly not Amish. So the daredevil not-so-submissive streak would have develpoed then. As a young woman she has to try to reconcile this part of her with what is demanded of her by the Amish. That’s the struggle, that’s the tension. Her character is believeable for this reason – she’s half Amish and half not Amish. I suppose every character is based a bit on someone you’ve met and her daredevil side is certainly inspired by some of the young women I’ve met who are downhill racers or skydivers.

5. This is not your first book about war. What is it that compels you to set your stories in wartime?

I suppose because it requires people to make life or death choices and other hard decisions not usually required in peacetime. Under such circumstances, people are tested in a way that reveals what really matters to them and, in essence, who they are and whether or not God has truly affected their lives in a way that determines their actions.

6. Jude’s decision to go to war in the face of almost certain shunning from his Amish people even though he claims he is following God’s will illustrates the tension between an individual’s relationship with God and his relationship with his Christian community. The two don’t always line up. Can you think of a modern day example that would place us in a similar position, ie: standing alone for our faith and possibly rejected or judged by our church?

I think if you gave blood to specifically help gay people with AIDS there might be church communities that condemned you, even though you did it in love for the person, not necessarily in support of a gay lifestyle. I think if you supported euthanasia for those in great pain with terminal illness you might get attacked as well. Certainly if you came out and said abortion was a national tragedy but it needed to be legal and it needed to be safe a number of church groups would be very upset with you, even though you acted out of love and compassion for the women and not in total support of abortion itself.

7. I love the way you weave a lot of Scripture into the body of the work in such a natural way. The bible passages don’t break up the flow of the story but rather add depth to it. This is something new in your writing. How difficult was it for you to do this?

It’s new because I’m with a very good Christian publisher when it comes to Harvest House in Eugene, Oregon. Secular publishing firms would never give me that sort of freedom. In addition, I’ve permitted myself that artistic licence since I know I’m writing for a largely Christian audience and not so much a seeking one or one that might react negatively to the use of Scripture. Writing in this genre is a breath of fresh air. It was very easy to do because that is how I weave Scripture into my own thoughts and life and now in Christian fiction I am free to express it.

8. Do you have any more Amish fiction in the works? Can you give us a sneak preview?

I have all kinds of Christian fiction in the works now, some Amish, some not. The next book that will be released is the second in the series that began with The Wings of Morning and it is definitely Amish. The series is about Americans and Amish and is called Snapshots in History. The same characters don’t carry over – though we do see the ones from The Wings of Morning return in the third book in the series – because the second book takes place during the American Civil War, 1861-1865. Here we see a conflict in the young people of an Amish community when they experience the harsh work of slavetraders first hand and agonize over whether to break ties with their families and church and take up arms against slavery. Amish farmer Nathaniel King is deeply in love with a young woman named Lyndel Keim, the scrawny sister of his best friend who has grown into a flaming beauty. She returns his love, surprised by his affection and also by her own feelings towards him. But while their relationship develops the war looms larger and larger and they both struggle with how they should respond to to a Confederate nation that enshrines slavery in its Constitution. Then the day comes that some told them would never come – the battle between North and South and Slavery or Freedom crosses the border into Pennsylvania in July of 1863.

The Face of Heaven hits the bookstores, online sites, and Kindle on July 1st.

Confessions of a productive procrastinator

As the photo illustrates, I didn’t let the paint “keep” very long did I? Mere minutes after last week’s bodacious blog was posted one of my daughters dropped in and offered to help me paint. I abandoned my writing desk without looking back. We dove in and tackled the project — changing the living room walls to a lighter colour, including the newly installed peninsula fireplace in the colour facelift.

We started on Wednesday and were finished by Friday, leaving me sore and tired and my daughter with a massive headache, the result of wielding a heavy roller on a long pole for hours on end. Sorry sweetheart.

Before I get to the grovelling and repenting, let me say I love Aura paint! It is a Benjamin Moore product, not cheap, but worth every cent. No need for primer and two coats more than covers. I chose matte finish because you can wipe it without leaving streaks. It completely hides existing imperfections that a glossier coat advertises: for instance, an eye-level paint ridge left over from a wallpaper border that was annoyingly visible under the last wall colour in an eggshell finish is now invisible under the matte finish.

Okay, so how is that book proposal coming? Ahem. Dang.

As I type, I am sitting in the green chair pictured here near the “blazing logs” (aka natural gas flame). Even though it is officially Spring, here in the eastern shadow of the Rockies March through May is when we get our biggest snowfall accumulation so a cheery flame is a welcome addition.

This cozy spot has beckoned me every morning where, warmed by the fire, I have sipped my tea and enjoyed my current Bible study. This morning’s portion from the online study of the book of Ephesians by Kathy Howard dealt with Paul’s prayer for the believers in Ephesus in chapter 3:14-21.

Some of Paul’s words really connected  with me today: I pray that from His glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through His Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong.

Three moms have emailed me in the last few days requesting prayer for one of their adult children. All three have this in common — they feel desperate and betrayed by both the grown child and by God. All three of these moms are devout believers who have taken their faith walk seriously for decades. They are not saying they are going to throw away their faith because of this current storm, they are simply being honest about how they feel right now — scared and doubtful.

Can you relate? I can!

I have been there! And most likely I will be in their shoes several more times in my future. And so I will pray for them as others have prayed for me, using Paul’s words from Ephesians — that they will know His inner strength, that they will trust in Him, and that the roots that they have each been developing for decades will find life-giving nurture in the very heart of God and these roots will feed them with His love and the assurance that He is still in control even though the storms are raging in their families.

Is a family crisis shaking your faith right now? It’s okay to admit it if you feel afraid and doubtful. God can take it. Don’t suffer in silence. Ask for prayer. Be transparent. Invite some trusted friends to walk this journey of suffering with you.

How do you procrastinate?

Whenever I start painting walls, my family and close friends all ask the same question: “What are you avoiding writing?” It’s really annoying! Especially since they’re always spot on — I paint as a form of procrastination. And everybody who knows me, knows it.

“Why,” you ask, “would a writer not want to write so badly that she would pick up a paint brush?” My obvious answer would be that writing is hard work. “And painting walls isn’t?” you wonder. Good point. So “hard work”  isn’t the issue is it? The real barrier that comes between me and my writing is something else entirely. Honestly, it’s fear.

“Fear?! You’re scared to write? What could you possibly be afraid of?”

Everything. I’m afraid I won’t have something worth saying. I’m scared the publisher will reject it. I’m worried that if it gets published nobody will buy it. And much more. My fear throws up a big barrier between where I am and where I could be and the next thing you know, I’m headed for the Benjamin Moore store.

“At least your procrastination is productive!” my friend Barb comments. True, it is that. But there’s a big difference between working hard and working smart. Investing more energy in my writing and less in everything I do to avoid writing would result in greater professional productivity and perhaps take me to a whole new level that my fear is denying me access to.

This morning, before leaving for work, Gerry looked at my assembled paint supplies sitting beside the new peninsula fireplace we installed last month and asked me if I was planning to paint today. I hesitated before responding. His next question was, “So how’s that book proposal coming?”

Aaarrrggghhhh!

After he left, I took my tea pot into my office and picked up my Bible. It fell open to one of my favourite passages and Jesus began to speak to my fearful heart in a voice so full of compassion and healing and hope that I almost wept.

Therefore since we also have such a large cloud of witnesses surrounding us… “Connie, what about the thousands of people who have read your other books, many of whom have sent you emails telling you how God spoke to their need through your words? They are your witnesses.”

Let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily entangles us… “How long are you going to let fear hang around your neck like a millstone? It’s holding you back. Lay it down.”

And run with endurance the race that lies before us… “Writing and speaking, this is your race Connie. This is My dream for your life. Don’t lose heart. You have a long road ahead but you can do it!”

Keeping our eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of our faith... “Look at Me! All you have to do is say yes to Me — the One who loves you enough to die for you and live with you! You can trust Me. Remember what I told you — you follow Me one yes at a time.“

Who for the joy that lay before Him, endured a cross and despised the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of God’s throne. “Sit here beside Me. Remember, you’re not running this race alone. I’m with you and you are here with Me, right next to God. Together. Forever. Let’s go.” (Hebrews 12:1,2)

One good thing about paint, it keeps.

How do you procrastinate? What keeps you from doing what you should? What helps you get going in the right direction.

Beauty is the Beast

I have been obsessed with body image since I was old enough to understand there was such a thing. In elementary school I was keenly aware of my size; I matured early so while my classmates all looked like Skipper (the teenage version of the Barbie doll), I looked like Big Ethel (of Archie comic infamy). Bigger than most of the girls and far bigger than all the boys in Grade Six, I was teased and had only one friend – my cousin.

Don’t feel sorry for me; I was also a bully. I made sure I wasn’t on the bottom of the heap and did my share of making life miserable for those unlucky girls who somehow managed to have even less going for them than I did. Man, kids can be cruel!

In Junior High, things began to change for me because my womanly looks became an asset instead of a liability. That’s when body image really became an obsession. I never just hung out in the school hallway, carefree and relaxed. I sucked in my stomach, crossed my ankles in order to hide my bowed legs, lifted my chin, threw my shoulders back…sheesh!

I started dieting in Junior High and jogging in High School. I was never, not ever, satisfied with how I looked. I was always 10 pounds too heavy, too wide in the hips, too short, had too much hair, too small eyes, and so on and so on. The list was endless. And boring. And disgustingly self-centered.

Now here’s the part where the good Christian girl says, “Then I met Jesus and everything changed! I fell in love with Him and My Body and we lived happily ever after!” I wish that were true. Well, not really…the fact is, I did meet Jesus at the age of 18 and boy did He make some major changes! However, the body image issue ran deep and I now know it was one of those lifelong battles that ain’t over yet!

Paul, my current favorite Bible guy, had some lifelong issues too. In his letter to the church in Corinth he referred to one of his issues as his “thorn.” (2 Cor 12: 7) And even though he asked God three times to remove it, the thorn remained. Instead, Paul learned a valuable lesson about himself and about God, specifically, “My grace is sufficient” (v.9) In other words, we are going to have some issues in our lives that will always be there and we have a choice. We can either focus all our energy on bemoaning their presence and begging for relief. Or we can accept them and take them straight to Jesus and ask Him to use us anyway – thorn and all.

My obsession with body image has not stopped me from following God into living the dreams He has for me. If anything it has kept me coming back to Him over and over for healing and help and strength. My thorn is a constant reminder that I need Jesus every day. All day. Especially now as I watch with a mixture of horror and relief while my body droops and sags and folds over on itself creating roadmaps of history on my face and neck.

“Your neck is wrinkly Gram,” said Jasmine, my six-year-old granddaughter when we both bent over to peek in the oven window at the rising muffins. “Wrinkles are ugly right Gram?” Her little piping voice made it sound like she was announcing her favorite color was purple. “That’s okay though because when I’m a Gram, you’ll be dead!”

Perspective is everything.

Why Can’t I See God?

Here is a sample of the type of email I get on a regular basis:

For the last few months I have been feeling so lonely and dry spiritually. Sometimes I feel guilty because God is so great to my family and me. I am not trying to walk away from God but then why am I feeling so dry and lonely? I want to be authentic and don’t want to pretend. 

What’s wrong with me?  

I read my Bible and pray. Maybe I don’t do it right? I miss that deep connection with God! What is the lesson I need to learn from this? How can I make my way out of this spiritual wilderness and get back to intimacy with Christ?

 I saw the note on your website about the free book offer. Will you send me one? Can you please give me some advice and guidance on what to do? I need some help.  Please help me. 

I put a copy of From Faking it to Finding Grace in the mail right away. Below is some of the response I sent to this e-cry for help:

When we feel disconnected from God, the truth is our “connection” is unchanged. We are still held firmly in His grasp regardless of how we feel. Truth does not change but feelings are blown about like sheets in the wind. Stake your life on the truth and even tell yourself out loud Scriptures like this:”let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith” (Hebrews 10:22a). 

 

There is no doubt that Satan wants you to feel alone and disconnected from God. He does this by taking our focus off God and getting us to focus on ourselves, specifically on our feelings. Look up Luke 22:31, 32 and after reading that verse a few times, read the whole chapter to get the context. I realize now that my 10-year wilderness season was not something to be ashamed of but rather it was a season of sifting that God allowed so that I could understand and help others who also go through spiritual dryness. “And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers/sisters” (Luke 22:32) — this is why I wrote From Faking it to Finding Grace.

 

Start a journal and call it “My One Good Thing About God” book. Each day write one phrase of praise in your journal. Start small. You could say, “One good thing about God is that He made beautiful sunsets for us to enjoy.” Just write something simple each day — something praiseworthy about Him. Each week, take a few minutes to look back and read what you’ve written. I guarantee you that you will be amazed at the good things that God will reveal to you day by day. Bit by bit you will change your focus from your disconnection and loneliness to His holiness and love. Bit by bit you will again learn to praise Him. Praise by praise you will begin to feel closer to Him again.

God is Wuv

A male interviewer, talking with young children, asked one little chap,

“Can you see God?”

branch heart seen on river bank near Kaslo B.C.; photo by Dave Wiggins

Camera shot drops down to catch his brow furrowed in concentration, his gaze upon the tips of his fingers, tapping earnestly together as he thought out his reply – “No.”

“Why can’t you see God?”

“Because God is wuv and you can’t see wuv.”

God is love.

No one has seen God at any time.

First Epistle of John 4: 8, 12

For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. John 3:16